Posted by: corozmum | February 26, 2011

Think Before You Speak

I haven’t spoken to my Aunt in 15 years and got a nasty surprise when I opened my in-box last night. She had tracked me down through Old Friends. My first instinct was to delete it. I went and did some facebook while I thought about it. I figured I was a big girl, so I went back. Two short sentences and my blood was boiling. I interrupted The Ref watching rugby and vent a few choice words. His answer was to block her. I did!

So what is it with her? My mother disliked her intensely and I grew up absorbing that. My wedding was perhaps the second or third time I remember meeting my aunt and I was willing to take her as I found her.

For way too many reasons my wedding was a day I was facing with trepidation. After a fight over the guest list and my In-laws refusing to come, I had wanted to call the day off. There was no easy way to have a wedding with both sides of the family so we went ahead with my family and I viewed it as a day to be got through.

One of the few things I was looking forward to was The Ref seeing my dress. Wanting to keep costs down I made my own dress. For months before the wedding, every Sunday we went to his parents for lunch and then I sat in a back room sewing while my mother-in-law painstakingly sewed cream seed pearls onto 5 metres of cream lace to go on the hem of the dress. I’d had my heart set on pearl lace but it only came in white. She did this for a dress she would never see me wear.

My Aunt arrived the night before the wedding and as she sewed wedding and bridesmaid dresses asked to look at my dress. She then proceeded to point out every little thing I had done wrong. If I could have slashed that dress and gone in my underwear….. I would have! I cried alot that night and as shops closed on a Friday night and didn’t re-open till Monday (can you believe it used to be like that?) I had no option but to wear the hated dress. Looking in the mirror, all I could see were the faults. I couldn’t stand back and see how others would see me.

As soon as I got home from the ceremony I had it off and left it hanging in my mothers room so I wouldn’t have to see it. Endless comments on how beautiful I looked and how lovely my dress was didn’t even register with me. Months after the wedding the dress came to me and I packed it in a box and put it in the wardrobe.

About 10 years ago, Glassie wanted to see the dress. I cried because it was so beautiful. And made with so much love. Most of the faults can’t be seen from the outside and the one that can be seen is so minuscule that most people wouldn’t notice it! I can’t believe I was that tiny either! I have never looked at it again because it hurts so much that I should have loved that dress.

I know after 30 years I should be over it. There are worse things in the world. But how do you tell your heart what your head knows?

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